Unconditional Love

Have you ever felt the desire to manifest more love in your life? Like many of us, you probably have experienced moments after which you’ve said to yourself, “I wish I had been a more loving person. Why did I think and act like that?” As I am sure you can tell, I’m not talking about romantic love, where we feel the passion of lust and desire heating up within us. I’m talking about our inner philosophy of love — how we feel about it, why we want to give and get more of it, and how it helps us grow our love of Self. This is unconditional love. It is a spiritual philosophy that we can translate into a Personal Values Framework that guides us to make positive choices to purposefully create win/win outcomes each and every day.

Some of the benefits of living unconditional love include:

  • Your life becomes more fulfilled because you have a more honest perception of your Self and your reality.
  • You openly accept the unique reality of every other person (Namaste to all 6.6 billion of them on our planet).
  • Your creativity becomes unleashed when you loose your inhibitions.
  • People value you for your truthfulness.
  • You have no need to become defensive about anything.
  • You bolster your self-satisfaction through the joy of giving with no strings attached.
  • You are free of the ego-based destructive judgment of others.
  • You are able to share greater intimacies.
  • You understand that you are not vulnerable.
  • You discover what you need in order to achieve balance in your life.

I cover these benefits, along with why and how you can achieve them, in my book, The Challenge of Living Unconditional Love (in the final editing process). My purpose in writing this book is for me to offer my ideas and techniques that will assist people to override their OPiE (the Over Protective Ego) so that they can replace their habit driven unconscious destructive attitudes and reactions with conscious win/win choices made from the Higher Self that strengthen their personal empowerment and unity with mankind.

Here I offer to you several excerpts from my book that I hope will motivate you to steadily move along on your path to UNCLE (my acronym for Unconditional Love).

From the book, The Challenge of Living Unconditional Love:

Why do It?

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind”. William James

Why would anyone want to pursue unconditional love? One of the characteristics of our modern egoic mind, which I have labeled as “OPiE”, the Over Protective Ego, is that we always want more of whatever it is that we want. Sometimes this passion to accumulate can be damaging to our selves and others, such as when our ego tells us not to share our wealth, or when we lie to or hurt others while we strive to build our self-image. At other times we can experience this “want of more” in mutually beneficial realms, such as sharing the truth, sharing our wealth with those who have less, striving to create win/win outcomes, and supporting other people to do what they need to do in order to become more fulfilled.

As evolving souls, our spirits want more growth that brings us closer to our Gods. A person coming from unconditional love willfully makes choices that put out positive constructive energy, not negative destructive energy. Karmic law has us moving closer to our Godliness when we add positive energy to life, and further, or away, from our Godliness when we put out negative energy. The concepts of Heaven and Hell are based in similar cause/effect relationships in Christian religions. I particularly like what Lynn Grabhorn wrote in her book, Beyond the Twelve Steps, about where our thoughts can lead us: “The journey into thought is the journey into Self; the journey into Self is the journey into God. The journey into God is the journey into Mind; the journey into Mind, the Supreme Intelligence, the Creator and supportive element of all life, is the remembrance of what we are. So we’re going to do some serious thinking about thought, for it’s the stuff from which everything is created and without which nothing would exist, including us.”

Unconditional love is, therefore, a path toward your Godliness. Why do we do it? For the peace of mind we get from believing that we are moving closer to our Gods by nurturing the wellbeing of all humanity and our planet.

I believe that people who live unconditional love have evolved from typical “five-sensory humans” into enlightened “multisensory humans” as the concept was presented by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis in their masterful book, The Mind of the Soul. They explain this modern growth trend: “The five senses are a single system whose object of detection is the physical world. The physical world is all the five senses can detect, but multisensory humans can detect more. They have hunches and insights, and they see meaning in everyday circumstances, among other things. Within a few generations, all humans will be multisensory… The goal of five-sensory humans is to survive, which they have done by developing the ability to manipulate and control external things. That is external power. Multisensory humans are not satisfied with controlling more and having more. Their goal is spiritual growth, and they understand power in a new way — the alignment of the personality with the soul. That is authentic power.”

Three Hurdles to Unconditional Love

I have devised a simple three-question mental exercise that you can apply anytime anywhere to check on when you are about to choose to put out negative destructive energy or positive constructive energy. I simply refer to it as the Three Hurdles to Unconditional Love:

What is your intention?

What is your means?

What is your effect?

On any issue, you should be able to fly through the questions and their answers in a split second, and the answers will tell you if you are thinking and acting in the direction you want to go. Obviously, total honesty in the Now moment is essential if you are to learn and grow from the exercise.

Consider the first question: What is your intention? When people are in a negative frame of mind, they frequently choose attitudes and behaviors that ultimately create pain in someone else as a way of getting even. As you will see in this book, revenge, avoidance, denial, and an eye-for-an-eye are not compatible with living unconditional love. If your Inner Witness identifies in the moment that your intention is to cause pain or loss in someone else (including yourself), then you have not cleared the first hurdle, and you must immediately stop your line of negative emotional reasoning and replace it with positive intentions.

If, on the other hand, your intention is to nurture someone or to share positive energy, then you have cleared the first hurdle.

Zukav and Francis present an excellent discussion of “in-tention”: the quality of consciousness you bring to an action.

The second question is: What is your means? Although your intention may seem positive to you, your means may actually cause pain or suffering in someone else. If your intention is to help your child to learn not to steal (which clears the first hurdle), your means of choosing violent punishment as the learning vehicle does not clear the second hurdle. Screaming attacks, physical assault, property damage, inflicting severe emotional pain, and the like are not compatible with living unconditional love.

If, one the other hand, your means is gentle, loving, sympathetic, and communicative, then you have cleared the first and second hurdles.

And the final question is: What is your effect? Although your intention may be constructive, and even if your means also seems positive, your effect(s) may not be. Admittedly, you may not always be able to predict your effects when you act upon another person (this alone is reason to error on the conservative side). However, as a mature adult, I believe you have enough experience to allow you good insight into the effects of your actions on others. With the case of a son who seems to be a developing kleptomaniac, the effects you have on him could include: him developing new values and behavior about not stealing (your primary desired effect); or he could react with resentment to an authority figure and choose to intensify his acts; or he could emotionally come down on himself very hard and become depressed; or he could rant about the need to steal because you don’t give him enough money, and other possibilities. If there is a good chance that your effect will be negative, then you need to revisit and possibly alter your intentions and means.

Fortunately, when your intentions and means are positively aligned, often your effects also are positive.

Self-honesty and constructive communications are essential if your attitudes and behaviors are to clear all three hurdles. If you trip up on one or two, or all three, you need to pause and revisit your intentions, means, and possible effects. In the Now moment of choice, when you are about to embark onto a thought or action path, before you act ask yourself these three hurdle questions. If you are conscious and alert, you will immediately see if you are choosing something that could be either destructive or constructive. Then you are able to create a more desirable intention and outcome that is consistent with your commitment to unconditional love.

Along these same lines, Zukav and Francis offer the concept of choosing intentions and accessing anticipated outcomes by becoming “A Scientist of the Soul” through analysis of consequences of our intentions and behaviors.

Are You Conscious?

Clearly, most of us would chose to avoid living the “negative values” I have listed previously. Very often, what we manifest in our lives is the result of a balancing act between our positive and negative values. What may not be apparent to many people is that we all have the power to choose how we weight our values, and hence affect the outcome of the balancing act. A person who consciously chooses to live his or her positive values tips the scale in favor of positive outcomes. The reverse also is true. So what it boils down to is that what we get in our lives — the degree of happiness we feel and share — is strongly influenced by the conscious choices of values we make in every Now moment.

Zukav and Francis devote consider discussion to the implications for making conscious choices. They summarize with, “The most important choices you make are with about how you see yourself, the Universe, and your relationship to the Universe.”

The unconscious person who is striving to become enlightened needs to learn how to, in the Now, recognize and disable learned damaging reflexes that manifest the negative values. He (or she) needs to learn how to not create original feelings of anger, hate, revenge, jealousy, and so on, and he needs to learn how to not respond with resentment, negative judgment, fear, or deception when that is what he receives. This could take a considerable effort that needs to be exercised practically instantly, but the results of shifting to the positive soon demonstrate the value of the effort. Or the unconscious person leaves the values balancing act up to chance, which allows an unpredictable tilt toward the negative direction to happen with frustrating frequency.

“The ego in its blindness is incapable of seeing the suffering it inflicts on itself and others,” Eckhart Tolle observed. “Unhappiness is an ego-generated mental-emotional disease that has reached epidemic proportions. It is the inner equivalent of the environmental pollution of our planet. Negative states such as anger, anxiety, hatred, resentment, discontent, envy, jealousy, and so on, are not recognized as negative but as totally justified and are further misperceived not as self-created but as caused by someone else or some external factor. ‘I am holding you responsible for my pain.’ This is what by implication the ego is saying.”

A conscious and centered person, on the other hand, working towards unconditional love chooses, in the Now, the positive values to be the basis from which his or her emotions, attitudes, and behaviors will evolve. Rooted in this sturdy substrate that is loaded with personal growth nutrients, you are able to manifest the blossoming of sincere fulfillment and happiness within your Self and others.

You have the power to choose your positive values and to stick to them!

What’s the Best Thing to do From Here?

This could be the most important question that you continually ask yourself in every moment for the rest of your life. The answer leads to choosing unconditional love.

I really mean this, and I’d like to explain why by looking at the key parts in this statement. But first, my use of the word “best” could be considered inconsistent with the one of the messages I am advancing in this book: specifically, learning to live without the judgment categories of best versus worst, right versus wrong, and so on. I believe that we can accommodate “best” and “worst” judgment choices in this use because we are evaluating a “thing”, an objective subject, not a person. The judgment is intended to demonstrate the relative or objective value or appropriateness of the “thing” to a person intent upon living unconditional love. No negative destructive energy is put out to impact another person. The term “most appropriate” could be substituted for “best”, but I want to say that phonetically the word “best” works well for me in this sentence when I speak it aloud.

My use of the simple word “best” has huge implications in the context of living unconditional love. What is “best”? Is there one true “best” that works for everyone all the time?

“Best” is you — in a moment of complete honesty — acknowledging the entire range of choices for your attitudes and behaviors and selecting the one that is most appropriate for furthering your personal and spiritual growth.

So, before any choice is made, some effort needs to be put out to objectively embrace and acknowledge, as much as you can, all of the reasonable choices. The actual comparing and choosing takes place only after you are satisfied that you have assembled everything that is appropriate to consider. In emotionally charged issues, however, this scoping process can easily become subjective and incomplete when your OPiE steers you away from seeing the entire range of choices objectively. You may hear your Inner Witness say something like, “I don’t want to consider that Dad might finally listen to me…” or “My sister has never accepted any of my other invitations, so why should I invite her now?” I’m want to make it apparent to you that when your OPiE starts working as a filter, then the range of your choices will shrink and become incomplete, i.e. it will be less than honest and objective. It is important therefore that you stay centered in your conscious mind so that you can chose dispassionately from a full range of appropriate choices.

“Best” also is limited to the choices that clear each of the “Three Hurdles to Unconditional Love”: What is your intent? What is your means? What is your effect? For each of your issues, when you get a win/win outcome from honestly answering these three questions, you have realized an attitude or behavior that will nurture unconditional love. Then you will decide that it is the “best” choice.

Now, “…to do…” means you intend to do something. At a minimum you are going to think, feel, mentally explore, and possibly act on the choice you make. It means that you are no longer accepting the status quo unless you have specifically chosen it from all other possibilities. Your OPiE probably will work to discourage you from acting on your freedom of choice, since acting on your conscious decision will most likely nurture your perception of your true inner power (which often opposes the conflict generating choices OPiE would have you make). “…to do…” also means that you are centered with your declared values and that you have chosen to act on them regardless of the perceived challenges. It also means that you are confident and willing to make changes in your life because you see how the anticipated outcome will move you closer to alignment with the Universal Truths while it also adds positive energy to our collective consciousness.

Also, “… to do …” is you preparing for the future in the Now. You have acknowledged what your values are, and you have made choices about what you want to manifest for yourself as you move forward on your path to UNCLE. It is your intent to honor your commitments as you face your future challenges.

Your “…to do….” options could be to: communicate openly, accept the realities of others, strive towards honesty, increase all of your forms of sharing, smile more, do more asking than telling, make new friends, clarify past misrepresentations and falsehoods, create greater intimacy with your family members, and so on.

Finally, “…from here…” is a fantastically liberating statement that allows you, through your endeavors toward UNCLE, to release yourself from your negative baggage — all of the emotional stuff you’ve been dragging through the years that keeps you from making completely positive decisions forward into the future. “…from here…” brings you into the Now moment where your fears do not exist. You have no history and only an imagined future. Feel in your self that you just wiped the slate of your modern egoic mind completely clean. You would have no recollection whatsoever of any of your egoic history before right now, such as when your sister-in-law calls you and says, “Do you and Dave want to come over for dinner on Friday night? Stan’s cooking duck.” In the absence of an active OPiE, everything must be taken at face value, so your win/win answer would be “Yes, thank you”, since you (a person practicing living unconditional love) welcome the opportunity to learn more about your extended family by spending more time with them as all of you communicate openly and free of judgment (you have no reason to expect anything less).

Wow! Think of the implications of “…from here…” for how we could feel and behave around all of the different people we interact with if we were looking only forward from right Now!

“Start doing the things you think should be done, and start being what you think society should become. Do you believe in free speech? Then speak freely. Do you love the truth? Then tell it. Do you believe in an open society? Then act in the open. Do you believe in a decent and humane society? Then behave decently and humanely.” Adam Michnik

I hope that the passages above have motivated you to embrace the practices and benefits of living unconditional love. For more inspiration please view the video of John McComb’s interview of me as we discuss the whys and hows of unconditional love. And please email to me any of your comments! Thank you.

View Unconditional Love video